Letting Go.

"I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control
You say you will be everything I need
You said if I lose my life, it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go"


--"Let It Go" by Tenth Avenue North


My roommate, Bridget, told me the other day that bad things happen for two reasons: either because we have chosen not to follow God, or because we just can't see the good in them yet.


This week has been rough--just one blow after another. Anxiety and hopelessness have completely taken over. And you know what? Bridget was right. Even though it doesn't make the hurting stop, my faithful God has been using the bad to teach me the good. 


Here's the thing: I care about self-image. Too much. To the point in which I sugarcoat and I omit things that have the possibility to make me look like the slimeball I really can be. I want to be perceived as perfect. I am selfish. I am stubborn. I am manipulative. I need control but don't want people to know it. I am dishonest. I am also human, but that's not an excuse.


However, I am also blessed. I am blessed to have a Savior that is willing to see past my flaws to my real heart.  He chooses to accept me the way I am, but promises not to leave me that way. (thank goodness!)
And you know what else? I don't give Him the credit. I would rather people say "look what Ashley did" than "look what GOD did." Horrible, right? 


So, here's the thing; here's my challenge. Starting now, I am going to be praying fiercely that God will help me to surrender my life. To really let it go. That means letting go of my hopes and anxieties, and trading them in for a much, much bigger and better plan. I'm exhausted from the pressure. And while I can't honestly say that I'm sick of the glory, I don't deserve it. Any additional prayers or accountability checks would be sincerely appreciated!  While I don't exactly have a clue what God is planning for my life, from now on that's for Him to decide and me to follow :)