Birthday Reflections

I like to think I have a very strong memory, at least when it comes to nostalgic issues (when it comes to finding my car keys, not so much.) Sometimes this memory of mine makes me feel sad. Yesterday was one of those days.

On Friday, I was talking with some co-workers about birthdays, and how we always celebrate the coming year's possibilities instead of reflect on the past year. This seems like a primarily optimistic ritual, but I thought to myself that there is probably some value in reflecting over what "has been" as well. Little did I know that that's what I was setting myself up for...and it wasn't as glamorous as I had hoped.

I spent part of the weekend in Colorado Springs. I love Denver, but I still consider Colorado Springs home. Maybe it's because the transition here was a weird one, but I never really felt the closure in leaving (this is sounding more and more like a break-up...) Saturday night we spent the evening downtown at all of the places that hold so many memories. I had a whole lot of fun with so many special people, but there was also this element of sadness in realizing that things won't ever be the same as they once were. On Sunday, that realization only got worse, as I drove down to the south of town where I lived and worked for the past 3 years. I remember the most microscopic details: the crack in the sidewalk to avoid on my old running loop, the speed bumps in my old apartment parking lot that I used to swerve around (tell no one), the way I remember the clerks at the grocery store by my house, the specific mountains that were the backdrop for every outdoor scene. These details are so fresh in my mind that it feels like I never left, even though I did. My life right now looks almost 100% different than it did a year ago on my birthday. And yesterday, it was hard not to feel that. It was hard not to miss. 

I know that eventually the missing will fade, and I'm nervous about that too. Although subsided memories will undoubtedly be less painful, I also find comfort in the familiarity, the feeling that I never left. 

I have only optimistic thoughts about what the future year will bring, but yesterday, I missed the past.