Just Love.

This semester has been full of crazy surprises--most of them good ones :) There's lots to update on, but for now, I'm going to stick to one awesome giant lesson that is continuing to unfold. This year has been difficult. I am a big "words of affirmation" person, and this year, and teaching in general, seems to be more about "What else can you do to improve?" And I understand the reasoning for that--the kids deserve the best--but it's hard not feeling successful very often.

Right before Spring Break, I was asked by my principal to take the position of opening a CSD (Communication & Social Development) center-based program at my school next year. Essentially, it is a program for kiddos with Autism and Asperger's. The program is already in existence at a different school in the district, but is getting too large, and has plans to divide into two programs next year, one of them being located at Otero.

At first, this really stressed me out (truth: it still does.) I could talk for hours and hours about all the pros and cons--but I won't because that's boring. Anyway, after talking to all the different parties involved (my school administration, district administration, and Teach For America) about my concerns, it's really gotten to a point where I am just awaiting what my position will be next year and really leaving it in the hands of all these people. Eek.

After a long conversation with my administration last week, and hating the idea that I might feel just as unsuccessful next year as I've felt this year, I was exhausted. And then.. this song came on:

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, "Dear God, won't you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
Cause nobody has shown me what love really means."
"Love Me" by JJ Heller

So that's it. It doesn't matter where I'm placed next year. It doesn't matter whether or not I feel successful. No matter what, I have one primary responsibility: Love.  The rest is important, but not nearly as much.

OH! And here's another thing I thought of the other day...
A few years ago, when I was in Korea for Camp Adventure, I had the greatest little boy in my small group. He was a year younger than the rest of my group, and he had Autism. This was my first experience really working with someone who had this diagnosis, and it was by all means a challenge, and also the biggest joy. I remember talking to someone at home on the phone after one particularly challenging day, and mentioned something about wondering if God was putting me in this position for a reason--like maybe someday I'd have a child who had Autism. At that moment, God probably laughed: "Once again, my child, you are thinking far too small. Instead of just one child, I'm toying with the idea of giving you a whole classroom of children."
Note to Self: Don't underestimate God's plans. He wasn't kidding when He said they were big. 

“Fear not: for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you: when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” – Isaiah 43:1-3

Whatever happens, next year will be okay. He still has the whole world in His hands.