if You want me to.

"The pathway is broken, the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to.

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone."

-"If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens

This song could not better express how I feel tonight. I haven't updated in awhile, so I'll give a brief synopsis. At the end of July, I came home from Institute for a few days before moving all my stuff to Colorado on a more permanent basis. On the drive out, I was hired as a K-5 Special Education teacher at Otero Elementary in Colorado Springs. The next day, I signed a lease there--only a few blocks away from my school. Immediately, the work of moving in, district orientations, Teach For America orientations, certification classes, and classroom setup began. And it hasn't stopped since. We began classes on August 10th, which means tomorrow is the beginning of our seventh week of school. It's gone fast, and it's been stressful.

While the stress has been great, it was not overwhelming until this past week. I went home for a weekend, and had such a wonderful weekend seeing everyone. However, in the blink of an eye, it was over and I was back to the daily exhaustion of this new life. And I wondered why. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? What is the purpose? Is it worth the stress? And then I realized something...

When I made the commitment to take on this challenge, I did it because I knew that God wanted me here. I knew that He had a plan and that He would be here every step of the way, using me in whatever way He saw fit. That is why I'm here. I pledged that no matter how busy things got, I would remember that He was the first priority and that if I sought Him relentlessly, everything else would take care of itself. But then other things started happening. I had hours to spend at school, classes on the weekends, lesson plans and assignments due, and so so so much learning to do. And all the sudden, time with my Savior could wait, because everything else needed to happen right away.

Last week, I seriously questioned what I was doing and what was really holding me here. And as much as I care about my students, as much as I love my school, as much as I care about succeeding at this, as much as I don't want to let anyone down, the only thing strong enough to keep me here and doing this right at this moment is the fact that God has called me to it. I started making time for Him again a few days ago, and not surprisingly, strength and energy has come back. And I'm actually excited to start this new week. As long as Jesus is in the driver's seat, this week, this year, can only hold the most extraordinary things.